She vs. He: Can I keep it casual?

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Each week, Ouch My Ego‘s resident life coaches, Sara Montoya and Mario Leal, square off against one another, offering male and female perspectives on issues submitted by our readers. Send your boy/girl questions, concerns, grievances and scenarios to shehe@ouchmyego.com and let Mario and Sara weigh in on the dilemmas that ail you.

I’ve been seeing a girl a few nights a week for about a month now. We usually just meet for sex. I don’t want anything serious and she says she doesn’t either. But she’s started to sleep over; I don’t want her to. Am I a douche bag for wanting to ask her to leave after sex? What do I do?
– Oscar | McAllen

Sara:

It sounds like you and the girl are not on the same page at all and you need to sit down and have “the talk.” Hook-ups are complicated and not for the faint of heart. You really need to be emotionally tough-skinned when you decide to participate in one. Psychologically, sex is the epitome of emotion. All the physical stuff comes with a tidal wave of feelings. It’s so easy to get unintentionally attached. The only way to have a successful “fuck buddy” relationship is to be able to see your partner as just a guy or girl who makes you orgasm (hopefully) and not a prince or princess on a white steed. Being able to separate your romantic feelings from your physical feelings is so important.

Oscar, it sounds like you have that down, but you need to make sure that she does too. Before you engage in another tryst, be sure to reiterate whatever ground rules were set before this venture took off.

Be kind. This is a tricky subject and she’ll feel as awkward hearing it as you’ll feel saying it. You don’t want this talk to result in hurt feelings.

Be blunt. You want to clear up any misconceptions that either of you have about your arrangement. State your expectations. Tell her exactly what you want from your relationship. If you want to be able to meet up, have sex, chill for a few minutes, then not see each other until the next time you sleep together, say it. You won’t sound like a jerk. These things need to be laid out on the table, no holds barred.

Listen to her expectations. Ask her what she wants from your arrangement. Listen to what she has to say, but really drive home that she should be honest about what she wants, not just what she thinks you want to hear.

Compromise. If your wants and needs are both being met, then keep with your arrangement. If things aren’t exactly adding up, really think about whether  you’re willing to give some/lose some for this to happen. If you’re on the same page with everything, except the sleeping over, for example, see if that’s something that either of you are willing to work with.

Mario:

Assess the girl. She could just be staying over expecting to go at it again. She could also become attached; she could also be a psycho. Think about how you’re going to let this girl off, if you are. Direct and honest is the best approach.

Give her the chance to opt out before you have sex again. You will seem like a douche bag if you mention it to her after a liaison; it’s just not polite. Time this conversation properly because it could sour other plans if you do it too early in the night. You should feel comfortable speaking honestly to this person; you’re having sex with each other.

Reiterate how she’s previously mentioned not wanting a serious relationship then direct the discussion to your own feelings. You might bring it up right before sex. Stop; be calm; be direct.

“I know how we’ve both mentioned that we’re not looking for something serious, and it seems to me that if we continue to have sleepovers, one of us might become unintentionally attached. I don’t want to destroy the mood, but I think we should be open, honest, and adult about this.”

She has to respect you for approaching it that way. Not only have you taken initiative in confronting the issue before sex, but you’ve stressed that you’re only following an agreement made in past dialogues between the two of you. And don’t act like it’s a big deal. It might be to you, but if you act like it is, it will become a big deal.

It might be uncomfortable, but speak about the situation. What do both of you really want? Do you both feel the same? Maybe you should consider spacing your encounters over longer periods. Outline parameters and make sure there is compromise when doing so.

Be polite and honest. If things get ugly and she gets weird, you’re going to have to justify yourself; almost everyone has a bullshit detector and they will call you on your bullshit.

If things get weird after you’ve talked it out, she’s not worth your time. You’re playing adult games so speak like adults. Many girls like having casual sex. So, if this doesn’t work, make very sure, before casual relationships in the future, that the rules are set; stick to them.

Send your questions to shehe@ouchmyego.com

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